Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
