I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
