I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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