the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
