God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
