On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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