He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
