nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
