Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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