You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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