There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
