Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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