i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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