Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
