Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
