dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
