I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This house was built for laser tag.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Floor bacon is actually really good
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
