she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
