just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
