I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
