im having a threesome with these popsicles
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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