you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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