Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
