dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
