got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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