He kissed a someone with a penis
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
