last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
