i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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