last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
