There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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