this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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