There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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