Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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