Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
