i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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