If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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