if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
