she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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