i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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