Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
