she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
