just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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