How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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