Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
