They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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