So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
