So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
