There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
