i don't like sucking hair
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
