So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
