He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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